Counter Terrorist

Well the hunt is over. Yes,Once again your hero has made his pilgrimage to the hill country in search of deer. I myself did not get a deer, for I am to good at my part in this excursion for the hoofed friends of Santa Claus. My part again for this years trip was to guard the house(Homeland Security) and not let any of these crazied beast inside to steal the couch,T.V.or the fridge. And once again I performed my duties to the up most.I am proud to report nothing was lost and no blood was shed on my watch.I must commend my counterparts(J-Bird,Ford,and Mark) on their efforts of keeping the angry hoards of Central Texas deer from breaking threw or perimeter defences by taking out 6 of these corn eating demons. It makes me a proud Texan and American to be able to say, Sleep soundly Center Point, Texas for we have done our part to keep your town safe from these terrifying creatures that hound you..........Hou Ra!!!!!

Famous

There are times in a persons life that they get the chance to meet special people in this world. Famous,infamous,celebrities,royalty,are what ever one might call them for one reason or another. These are the people or persons you see on t.v. or in the movies or pictured in some kind of print or picture of some kind. This country for one reason or the other has been eat up with this celebrity worship of late. Well let me tell you this.I don't buy into that crap.No, Star magazine or Enquirer for Ol' Dave here, It ain't happening No sir re Bob. You might ask yourself (Self?)What's the reason that Dave don't need your Bullshit Mags?..........Answer...Cause Folks!! I am related to a celebrity!!! (And if your scoring at home here comes the blatant plug) Yes, None other than the Little Miss Princess of Georgia. My Grand baby Kaycie.Yea, That's right Royalty. (Suck on that Paris Hilton. Oh I forgot, she already did!)

Gone Bananas

I would like to take a moment to bring something to your attention that you fine folks might be able to help me with.It seems that BadMonkey has run off during my vacation to Georgia. As it has come to me in some reports.He has been seen in the Georgia area in the company of a young lady in a silver Chevy Tahoe.Now as memory serves,one Abbie HammerHead drives one said Tahoe of the Chevy variety.So as I am coming to understand,BadMonkey has moved to another Blog. So I guess all I can say is enjoy your vacation monkey cause I'm eatin' your Damn Bananas Biiiaatch................And I don't even like the damn things.

Texas Haloween Greetings

BOO!!!!!!!Damnit..........................

Birthday Gift

This has to be one of the best things that I have ever done. On the 22nd of this month I left out for a trip to Georgia to see my Amiee Jo and her Loving family for her birthday. I have told this story to many people since I got back about how I was on the phone with Jo as I was getting close to her house. I asked her if she could have anything in the world for her birthday,what would it be? And how her answer was to have her pee paw there with her for her birthday.That has got to be the biggest thrill in ones life to make someones wish come true. I have teared up,and gotten a lump in my throat every time i have told this to anyone,hell I'm even doing it now just typing it. I can honestly say thou. When my life flashes before my eyes,and the good lord takes me from this earth, It will all have been worth it if I get to see that piece of my life again in reflection.

Pink Feathered Cock

Well hello there, I'm back.Yea it's been about 2 weeks or so since I last wrote, I have had what I like to call bloggers block. Most folks would call it depression or laziness, depending on what generation you are from. But either way I am writing. I don't really have a subject in mind at this time,I have been dealing with my CPA lately, while she has been working on my taxes from '06 that I had an extension on. So I have been a little preoccupied with that shit.Funny how your taxes are such a big deal to you, and then your CPA tells you, don't worry I got it handled. Yea, Handled,Fuck you. You took 6 fucking months to do something you said was a couple hours work and I am not suppose to worry. The bitch is lucky to still be alive. If she would have fuck me on this I'm more than sure no one would have convicted me for offin' her. Yea,your right,I have been a little stressed over this. But don't worry about me. BadMonkey is reading Tax Prep For Dummies so as to do them next year. So with that I'll send you back to your Life,that is still in progress.

SickMonkey

I have not written much lately,do to the fact my BadMonkey has been a SickMonkey.My poor monkey has had an allergic reaction to some popcorn that was poured on him recently.I don't know if it was the popcorn or all the fake butter that caused this.He has broken out in spots not unlike chicken pox.He has been itchy,so my poor monkey is now pink from all the lotion I have had to put on him.So this has taken up much of my time.I hope to be back at it in the near future. But for now I must leave to take care of my pinkmonkey,That Funky Monkey,PinkMonkey,That Funky Monkey.(feel free to sing along)

No Comment

Today I have no comment,no opinion,or anything to say.I have a lot of stuff to talk about,but at this time,nothing.Not shit,not any,not zip,zero or zilch.Nada,fucking thing.That is what I have to say.And it took this many damn words to say it.But don't worry your pretty heads.I'll think of something soon.So shut your pie-hole and come back later.SSeeeeyaaa.

Thanks for Nothing

BadMonkey Here,Well my plot to ransom Dave has been an utter failure.I only got 17 bucks out of your sorry asses.So i had to try and kill him like i said i was going to do.That sumbitch has a head like a chunk of granite,I wore myself out beatin' on it ,and just barely messed up his hair.Motherfucker,But don't you damn well worry i'm working on a new plan. I really just wanted to say to all of you out there who didn't send me any money the same thing that i say to virgins,thanks for nothing.

Acting

It has been brought to my attention that do to my outlook on the actor "Doctor Dreamy" on the television show Greys Anatomy that i must be jealous.Quit to the contrary,I was chosen for this role some months ahead of this alleged actor.But do to contractual conflicts with my doing this blog I was advised by my attorneys(and BadMonkey) to decline the role.As many of you may know i have had a long and promising acting career.I have acted as a responsible adult for some time now,I acted as a loving Husband for almost 15 years till the series was cancelled.I have and am acting as an employer for a growing business.Not to mention all the times i have acted an ass on many occasions.But my most enjoyable role has to be when i get to play a PeePaw. My cast is the best and they are truly talented.For this role i don't need a pat on the back,or any statues of gold or people taking my picture or autographs.This is one of the roles i was born to play.The only one that i have missed my casting call for is the one of father,for that is the role worth waiting for.BadMonkey fetch me my copy of Variety magazine and get me a drink.Please put your popcorn boxes in the trash on your way out of my blog.

Helping Crazy People

Son of a bitch if i haven't met my far share of frickin' crazies.I know this is a subject that we can all find some common ground on.You know the types,the ones you can't reason with,(not to be confused with the plain stupid motherfuckers out there) the ones who just make you want to see if you slapped them as hard as you can that they would flip around in the air like in a bad kung-fu movie.Ladies I'm talking about women here.(I'll get to guys in a minute so stop talking to the monitor,I can't fucking hear you anyway)Yea you know the type,the ones that blame you for everything that has gone wrong in there lives since you first said hello to them.Wife,Girlfriend or whatever they want to be called.Well i finally figured out what all these crazy ass women have in common.They have a vagina,.....And i have come to the conclusion that this is the common denominator in this factor of psychosis.But,i have also figured out a cure for this mental problem. And i myself am willing to do my part by volunteering to head up a medical study(with the help of BadMonkey)to help these women find sanity.What needs to be done,is these women need to give away the vagina Yes ladies, that's the plan,give away that pussy and you will make yourselves and the world a better place.Yes,give till it hurts(or you walk funny).For the sake of the world is between your legs.And I,being the founder of the cure will bare the burden of taking all the pussy i can handle.So dig deep and give for your own sake.And giving can also be preventive from becoming crazy.(side effects-crazy guys won't be crazy anymore if they are getting laid) So ask your Dave and see if getting laid can work for you.
Please see BadMonkey for an appointment to see your Dave before logging out.

Greys Anatomy Research Study

Welcome to the research department of DavesFreakinWorld.After many months of data collection on my part(Dave)and untold numbers of researchers from many fields of study,including the help of the world renowned mind of BadMonkey,today is the premier of our findings.This is also the first day of the new season of Grey's Anatomy.This is no coincidence by any stretch. Our data positively proves the correlation between this television show and aliens trying to have sex with earth women.First we have to take the name of the show.Greys-Greys are the name that is given to a form of alien life forms known to visit this planet (Earth) for some time now.Then we have the second part,Anatomy-this refers to the body.The human form,Particularly the female of the human species.(Because no guy is going to watch this stuff)They have on this show a male who is truly an alien in human form that the females drool over.He is a combination of things that a women wants,Doctor-tells you he has money,Good looks-Giving the impression he can make cute babies.And then to top it all off they give him this name,McDreamy bringing together two things women want,McDonald's and a good nights sleep.This alien sex theory has been seen in real time by scientist in towns all over the United States,particularly in a small town north of Atlanta, Georgia.Here some lovely young women have been known to consume alcohol and watch said show in an almost nude state of dress.This started with only a few subjects,but has grown. It's built to a drunken sex cult,drawing in hot sexy women with wet lips,nice pert breasts and taught buttocks ,Oh!!!!! Johnnie............Oh Fuck Yea!!!!! BadMonkey start loading the truck with alcohol while I find my lab coat.We don't have much time before the show starts to make it to Georgia! And BadMonkey on Thursdays just call me McDave.

"Lookin' for guy with sense of humor"

This statement has to be one of the damnedest things that i have ever heard said. And i must say that i hear it and see it written in most every bullshit profile that most every single women posts.(And the married ones wanting to cheat on their husbands) Here it is ,the always present "I'm just looking for a guy with a sense of humor" (horseshit) Trust me on this one folks she's got to be fuckin' kidding.......O.K I know i'm no ___________ (you fill in the blank) but let me be honest(cause she's not) about this, I have brought a chuckel to a women are two in my day ,but i will damn well tell you this. I wasn't gettin' laid like i was passing out pardons in a womens prison or nothin' either. So what the hell is that statement suppose to represent in the real world? Some of these posts, i get the sense of humor statement.Cause you would have to have a since of humor just to be seen with these women. Then you have the ones who look like they just fell out of a Playboy magazine. With the same shit on their profile. Surely you can't think, that i am stupid enough to believe, that if i could get this chick laughing hard enough to blow snot out of her new surgicley enhanced nose .That Dave could be plowin' her back 40 like Old McDonald down on the farm.(ei, ei ,ooooohhh yes,Yes,YES!!!) This is not an issue i plan to give up on,i need answers,i need the truth,and i need a straw hat and some bib overalls like Old McDonald.Cause babe if i'm gonna be plowin' i want to look the part.So ladies do your part with some Farmaid if you really are looking for just a humorous fella...........and feel free to pick yourself some strawberrys from my field on your way out.(whip creams on you)

Help me.

Hello everybody it's me BadMonkey,Daves asleep or passed out on the couch.So i don't know how much time i have,so i will get right to business,Please help me.I can't take it anymore.This fucker is crazy as shit.What do you meen you don't understand?Have you read some of the shit he writes.I can't take it anymore,I have to get away.I don't want to hurt him,but i will if pushed any further.I would have escaped already but i can't get his billfold out of his pants.Hey even a monkey needs some traveling money.So i tell you what,if you all could send me say 20 bucks each i think i could make it out of here without having to hurt him.Yea,YEA,that's it send me some money or i'm going to split this motherfuckers head open like a ripe melon.So hurry the fuck up,you got 24 hours to come up with the money or i'll off his ass. The clock is tickin'...........BadMonkey

Cruel Joke

I was having a discussion with BadMonkey about something that has been bothering me for sometime now.I talk with him ,seeing I don't have a shrink like most of the outside world.I tried a shrink once. I said to him "Hey Doc,I have trouble making friends, you cocksucker".......So now i just talk to BadMonkey.See the thing is,for most of my life i have had this problem that i have tried to keep hidden.For i feel that the cosmos has pulled a cruel joke on me.But i don't know why i should have to keep it hidden any longer,for with the political climate the way it is now,with the political correctness and hate crime laws in place as they are,I feel that it is due time that i stand on my soapbox and scream to the heards of sheeple in the outside world,"Yes,Yes,I am A Lesbian In A Man's Body". There i have finally said it.I love the pussy.Call me a lesbo, I wear the badge proudly.Call me a carpet muncher,for i have no more shame in the matter.For I ,like the homeless man shall eat at the Y. And now with that said,I must venture on my quest to be a practiceing lesbian.Volunteers welcome.Just comment your e-mail and BadMonkey will sign you up and give you a number.Please no pushing,I promise to get to all of you as quick as i can........And remember the Manlesbian motto To Eat It Everyday..........See Monkey to have your parking validated before you log out.

SadMonkey

The kind of shit that goe's on in the outside world really pisses me right the fuck off.Today after a hard day at work, i have to come home to find that my monkey is in some kind of deep depression.The fuckin' thing is drunk wallowing in it's on puke.(have you ever smelled monkey puke?well motherfuck me!!!) Well ain't this just fuckin' lovely,was my thought.I have spent my day thinking of the things i was going to send out on my blog to the masses.(oh yea i do have a list,and all you sexy Grey's Anatomy watchin'lovelies are on it.) To have to deal with this.After many hours and several pots of coffee,Monkey has confessed to me what has caused this.Well as it seems Monkey has been surfin' the singels sites,posting profiles and shit in my name.And son of a bitch if the little hairy fucker doesn't get a hit from what could only be called the sexist chick in the Ukraine.(Yes i have seen the pictures and that's all i will admit to.)Then after almost 2 weeks of e-mails the gal slips up and sends the same e-mail again from about 3 days ago.Yea,it was rehashed with some of the previous e-mail stuff, but you could tell right then that this was a scam.I feel so sorry for my BadMonkey.Monkey said that friends had told'em it was a scam and to not give out Daves money.(Good thing i didn't loose any money,cause drunk,sick or brokenhearted I'd be kickin' me some primate ass.)So now i have a SadMonkey,for he feels that he has been sent kickin' his little heart down the information super highway.(Fuckin' commie bastards).This is just the kind of shit that makes me want to take a hot air balloon ride over places and drop shit filled paper lunch sacks on people.Why you want to fuck with my monkey?Now who in the sam hell is going to fix my crown and coke? I'm really starting to dislike people.............................And always remember to check.......(Oh hell ,you know what to do just go home.Come on monkey let's go to bed.)

BadMonkey says "HI"

BadMonkey Says "Ladies and Gentlemen Please start with Daves Welcome Post First and Have A Great Day"......................Actually the Damn thing said "ouoo oouo ooiiiioo" But i really didn't think you would understand all that shit that she said.(So i got drunk and made the Monkey type all this.

Lights on for safety

I know you think this is going to be some boring training film lingo bullshit.Well it's not the title was to lure you in like, kids to Micheal Jacksons house.For today we are going to be exploreing some caves in Daves world.That's why i dressed you all in the explorer cloathes and the hardhats with the lights.(and yes i did watch you undress hehehe.Stop your bitching it's my blog).Now lights on for safety!( My safty that is,I don't need one of you clumsy fuckers givin' me a concussion or some shit)As you work your way into my ear(whip your feet)you will notice that i cleaned the ear wax out to make your journey more pleasent.This could be a long walk so i hope you brought snacks.Now what we see inside is kind of a interactive type system.Depending on your interaction with the internal and external works of Dave is kind of the control of what you will find in this abyess.As we make our way deeper inside we can see the multi personalities of Dave.What we have at this point is very loving and sometimes misunderstood brain.(hey,Dude,Yea You.Stop pissing behind his memories of 1984)That's it ,tours over, Everybody get the fuck out.Leave your hardhat's on his shoulder,Are you will be charged for them.And change cloathes!!!! Remember what BadMonkey says Check Your Friends For Ticks Before Loggin off.

Whale shit!!!

You fine folks have only one person to blame for the horseshit you are finding poping up on your computer from this site you are in now.And that would be Abbie.So take it up with her if you are offended by my words. For she's the one who put me up to this shit.(I'm from Texas, If you were wundering ,to all you damn english majors who who keep correcting my grammer and spelling as you read)OK now back to blaming Abbie for this.Fuck i spilled my drink and lost my train(choochoo)of thought."Monkey go fix me another drink and stop throwing your monkey shit on the damn walls"and then Dave said in his swave Texas voice "And don't forget to wash them little monkey dick beaters before you get shit in my crown and coke" One of these damn days i'm gonna beat that monkey like a rubber fuck doll. Whale shit,if it ain't 11 o clock,I got to get in bed so i can get up early before the maid gets here and sees what a mess that damn monkey has made for her.(Why the hell should i do it smartass that's what i pay her for)Weird how i read your thoughts like that huh!!! (stop noddin') and remember to check your friends for ticks before loggin'out

Welcome one and all

Welcome one and all,I can see by you being here reading this that you took the red pill and have traveled thru the rabbit hole and are out of the matrix.Well those with weak hearts are any other conditions that may slow you down please step to the right and get in the slow lane for your protection.Grannies lock up your milfs and granddaughters cause your in my world now.A little right of center and totally my own damn opinion.So if you can't take the heat,then wrap your ass in Nomex(a fire protection suit and my thought on immagration)I will cut no one any slack so put on your big girl panties (thong) and suck it up.(or just suck it,cause blows just a figure of speach) This ride is about to begin.So we have a few rules for the ride (Safty First) Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.(and place your mind in the gutter) No Screming or i will slap the shit out of you.(Your second ammendment rights protects you from the government,but Not from me SnapperHead)And my other rule is you must be at least this tall to ride the rides.(can't see my hand can you? Stop nodding your head dumb ass!)If you can't reach up and kiss my ass your to damn short!!! So all aboard you rat bastards I'm fixin' to lite the fuse on this sucker. And always remember to check your friends for ticks before you log off.Thank You from the management.